The Badly Done Blurbs are back for revenge! This time Nico and Jason and the Tiny Tentacle got their chance to participate and, well, as you can see, it was general craziness all around. We’ve indicated who picked what covers for whom below.
And yes, we know we’re all batcrap crazy. You love us.
If you see a spoiler tag saying Hidden from Spam Bots, that is the actual synopsis hidden, but WordPress isn’t being our friend right now. (It should read Actual Blurb.)
Bad Hotel – Dustin Reade
(Lilyn for Nico/Jasonic/Tiny Tentacle)
Nico:
Rat Johnson McJohnson’s been a hotel manager for fifteen years. He prides himself on excellent service, customer satisfaction and gold star standards. In his years as a worker, he’s had many unusual guests, but when a mysterious woman checks in and requests a turn down service, he gets more than he’s bargained for. She injects him with a serum that separates his body from his soul. Now, he must work for her, float through the hotel walls, spy on the guests while they secure their valuables in the hotel safes, and report the combinations back to her.
If he does as he’s told, she’ll give him the antidote and he can return to his beloved job. If not, he’ll be a ghost forever, forced to haunt the very hotel he adores. But if the woman gets the safe combinations, his guests will get robbed and they’ll give the hotel a bad Yelp review. Is life even worth living when the Yelpverse is against you? How far will Rat Johnson McJohnson go for a five star rating? And can his soul survive his decision?
Jasonic:
M.M. RoDent is a failing hotel owner who stumbles upon a dark secret that could help him turn his business around and make a fortune. He plans to awaken an ancient deity tonight that will grant him a single wish…for a price. Meanwhile, his business partner Don D. Fowle is searching for any means of preventing the awakening, for he knows what price must be paid, and it would be catastrophic. It’s a race against time and the guests are caught in the middle of it. Would you dare to spend tonight in this, Bad Hotel?
Tiny Tentacle:
What do you do when the mice run the hotel? When the mice start to get a taste for human flesh the manager is out to stop them. For good. Dressing up as a certain iconic mouse (camouflage) he’s going to bait them a trap they can’t refuse!
Jackalope Season – M.B. Manteufel
Gracie for Jasonic/Lilyn
Lilyn:
Jackalopes aren’t the cute little fuzzy things with antlers that some of us thought they were. They also aren’t the made up creatures that most of us swore they were, either. Jackalopes exist. They always have. And they’re the harbingers of Hell itself. In 2023, the population of Jackalopes hits the tipping point, and they’ve enough numbers to open Hell Mouths all over the world. Now, unless a gutsy group of Hunters can join forces to bring the population under control, the world is screwed – rabbit style.
Jasonic:
Every year, Michael Higgins attempts to locate the elusive jackalope. And every year he fails. This year will be much different though. He will find the creature, but it won’t be as he’s imagined it. Having lost (or were they taken?) his supplies, Michael will need to use all of his survival skills to reach the next day, because night is approaching, and he has become the prey.
Cold Moon Over Babylon – Michael McDowell
Jason for Gracie/Lilyn
Lilyn:
It’s a known fact that humans change things in stories as they tell them. It’s basically impossible for us to keep our facts straight. So it should be no surprise that, yes, naiads do exist and, no, they’re nothing like what we’ve imagined them to look like. As the campers at Lake Babylon are about to find out.
The lake is beautiful, pristine, and nearly untouched. Then the family that owned it died off. Now the area around the previously unmolested lake is a campground, and the Naiad, denied her food for so many years, finally has a chance to feed as the full moon rises.
GracieKat:
Babylon used to be a beautiful resort town. Nestled on the banks of Lake Superior the water was clean, the air crisp and the beach a veritable playground for swimmers and children. But something dark has been plaguing the area lately. Pets have gone missing with alarming frequency. The wildlife population has been dropping at an increasing rate. But whatever is out there is just getting started. Animals were only the beginning…
Semiosis – Sue Burke
Lilyn for Nico/Jasonic
Nico:
Octobit, the self-aware octopus robot, is about to go on an unforgettable adventure. With the help of ten year old Warren Welsh Sr, these two life-long friends fight the latest law passed by the United States Congress deeming Octobit a danger to society. All Octobit wants is basic human respect and, of course, love. Warren is determined to get the world to see Octobit as more than just another artificial aquatic intelligence. Deemed as this generations Turner and Hooch, if Turner were a ten year old boy with a passion for filibusters and social reform, this book will touch the hearts of everyone with a heart.
Jasonic:
A pair of young scientists are about to make the discovery of their (possibly very short) lives. Out in a dark forest, just beyond a small town, something is growing. Something that threatens all life on Earth. With the help of their mentor Dr. Smith, they’ll need to research the hell out of this thing to find a way to stop it. As if that wasn’t enough, a nearby river has started flowing with blood. Could these events be related? Either way, something must be done and time is running out.
Wererat – Jonathan P. Brazee
Gracie for Jasonic/Tiny Tentacle
Tiny Tentacle:
Have you heard the ghostly howl of the mouse in wolf’s clothing? If it is a full moon then you might want to watch out for the Curse of the Wererat!
Jasonic:
Lon Talbot is a simple man living a simple life. However, that simple life is about to become extremely complicated. For, you see, as he was walking through the city on the way home one cold and lonely night, something jumped out of a dark alley and bit his leg, then vanished. Mr. Talbot manages to stumble home, where he collapses and blacks out. The next day he finds his flat has been destroyed and hears news of a huge beast roaming the area. Determined to locate the creature, he sets out on an adventure that will change his life, and the course of human history, forever.
Clash of Star-Kings – Avram Davidson
Lilyn:
“We all know the story of the Journey to the Center of the Earth as told by Jules Verne. Filled with action, adventure, and danger– but not many know the story of the Clash of the Star Kings, which also involves a world beneath our own. One at the center of our Earth. And it’s decidedly more entertaining.” – SapsuckReviews.com
In 1367, a meteorite struck the the earth right over one of the deepest cave structures in the world. This enabled it to penetrate much further into the earth’s crust than it normally would have been able to, given it’s size. So much further, in fact, that it opened a hole between their world and ours.
The Shakshukka had lived trapped inside the Earth for ages. Now, they were free. Free to come up to the surface they barely remembered and try to regain their place in the world.
It was up to Genghis Khan’s grandson, Kublai Khan, to save the world from being overtaken by the reptilian race that they believed came from the stars. The Yuan Dynasty has met it’s match against the Shakshukka. Winner take all.
GracieKat:
Sandy Pheet knows the Lizard Men exist. She knows they’ve taken over the top spots in government all over the world. With the Illuminati hot on her trail she’s determined to track them down and put an end to their plans for world domination. During a particularly nasty run-in with the Lizard Men’s minions she accidentally saves what she assumes to be an average guy, Gar Goyle. Now the Lizard men, the Illuminati and Bigfoot are on the hunt for Sandy and Gar…but when she finds out the truth about Gar will she ever be able to fully trust him?
So how did we all do? Last time we did this, several of you commented you would be much more inclined to read the books if our blurbs were the actual ones. Does that remain the case this time? Let us know below!
GracieKat was the first co-host of Sci-Fi & Scary, Lilyn’s partner-in-crime, and sub-head of the Coolthulhu Crew. She reviews horror books, movies, and games for the site. She also does a weekly Focus on the Frightful feature, and is the site list-maker. She is also in control of the Sci-Fi & Scary podcast which will relaunch soon.
Gracie is also a member of the Ladies of Horror Fiction crew.
I would read all of these! Those blurbs cracked me up and made me want to read them even more.
thank you!
I think judging by the cover, all of them would grant a look in, although your blurbs make them sound more exciting!
Glad you appreciate our creative licensing!
I love it when you do this feature. What fun!
Glad you enjoy it. We have a blast. Planning on making it a regular thing!