The Coolthulhu Crew Presents:
The Badly Done Blurbs Strike Back!!!!
The Badly Done Blurbs are back and ready to wreak havoc on the synopses of poor, unsuspecting books and our readers! And since it’s close to Valentine’s Day we decided to put our own decidedly twisted spin on the romance genre. If you missed our first three Badly Done Blurbs you can find them here, here and here. To see the real synopses click the boxes. (For the first one follow the link to Goodreads because WordPress is evil.)
GracieKat’s Blurbs – Chosen By Lilyn
The Hole has always been there. We’d been warned about it. Never go near it…never go by it and never, ever look through it. One summer day our group just couldn’t take the temptation anymore and Dirk looked. What he saw there changed him forever. Can you escape The Glory Hole?
Drinking your own sweat will not save your life. Somebody might have told you that, but they were trying to find out if you’d really do it. Henry Lambert would rather play video games than spend time in the great outdoors–but that doesn’t make him a wuss. Skinny nerd? Fine. But wuss is a little harsh. Sadly, his dad doesn’t agree. Which is why Henry is being shipped off to Strongwoods Survival Camp. Strongwoods isn’t exactly as advertised. It looks like the victim of a zombie apocalypse, the “camp director” is a psycho drill sergeant, and Henry’s sure he saw a sign written in blood… Wilderness Survival Tip #2
In case of an avalanche, don’t despair. You’re doomed, but that’s a wicked cool death. Wilderness Survival Tip #3
If you’re relying on this book for actual survival tips, you’re dead already.
Jesse has a passion for antiques that goes far beyond that of the aficionado. He’s been searching his whole life for that one piece of wood to satisfy his urgent, unspeakable cravings. When he sees the Hardbone Chair up for auction Jesse knows he just has to have it. Can his dream of merging with his greatest desire finally come true?
Nico’s Blurbs – Chosen By Tracy
Flesh connoisseur Alex has an appetite for love. He is the new contestant on The Sorrow King, a dating reality show for cannibals. Lucky contestants complete challenges to win a one-on-one date with the savory bachelor, but beware! Last place gets served for dinner! When only one girl remains, Alex must make a choice. Live happily ever after with his new love or is it bon appetit for the mismatched contestant?
Who is the Sorrow King? He is carved from wood and bone. He smells like wax, dead leaves, and memories. He travels by moonlight and drinks the sorrow of others. Can love exact vengeance on a monster made from madness, depression, and misery? Or will the Sorrow King bleed the town dry before satiating himself and moving on?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what if that beholder is the last of an alien race looking for love? Enter Thx Z’bam. Thx survived the destruction of it’s planet and is scouting the universe looking for a mate to keep the species going. Thx peeks into the Earth’s atmosphere, but it seems humans are afraid of it’s many wondering eyes. Looks like it won’t be love at first sight. Oh well. Sometimes hind sight is 20/20.
Olly’s Blurbs – Chosen By Sam
The cows on farmer Jones’s small holding pretty much kept themselves to themselves. They ate the grass and made the milk and watched the sun rise and set. But things changed for them when farmer Jones couldn’t make ends meet anymore and turned the farm into a swingers retreat. Now the cows are all that stands between good people of Jackson county and a shocking deluge of big city debauchery. It’s cattle vs liberal perverts in a fight to the death, where the meat on display isn’t the only thing getting ground.
When Sally returns to her home town to get over a bad break up, she finds a dusty chest in her late grandmothers attic. What she discovers inside it will change the way she thinks about Granny forever, and prove to Sally that a woman’s need for pleasure is nothing new. An erotic twist on the “possessed items” horror sub-genre, ‘Forbidden Objects’ explores self-love in a chilling tale of what happens when a young woman’s most intimate possessions are taken over by a being from beyond the grave.
pier glass i use the name Lazarus
he has the fever now and knows it
and has prepared himself for death….In the mirror it watches me….” Lazarus: he “rose from the dead” off a derelict slave ship to control Georgia plantation blacks with a curious set of forbidden objects, the sticks, drums, and rattles of conjure — obeah. Does his control — and his anger — extend beyond the grave? Elizabeth Franklin “Frankie” Jefferson: descendant of slaveowners and apparent clairvoyant. Have she and her strange cousin Julian raised the specter of Lazarus, releasing the power of his deadly obeah? Why has Frankie’s family started to die? This is like no other novel of obsession and revenge. Frankie Jefferson is like no other heroine in American fiction.
High school sweethearts Nancy and Jay crave the simple life. After 40 years of marriage, their small farmhouse on the border of Tuscarawas County, a handful of chickens, and just enough land to provide, is their own slice of paradise. Until Bessie. When a neighboring farm burns to the ground, Jay is unexpectedly named as the sole benefactor and inherits a bit of land, a dilapidated tractor, and two Holsteins. After the arrival of the cows, Jay and Nancy find themselves scrambling to stay afloat from one tragedy to the next. Can they depend on each other to make it through and defeat this new evil? COWS may very well leave you lactose intolerant.
Tess just can’t catch a break. After escaping her stifling small town the day after graduation, she makes her way from Beulah, Oklahoma to the promise of LA. Fraught with bad luck, Tess finds herself jumping from one tangle to the next: a hitchhike ride gone wrong, a robbery, and just about any other peril a young woman can encounter. Once in LA, Tess is shocked when one of her customers, at the only shit-hole diner that would hire her, turns out to be movie mogul Beal Z. Bubb. As her fame skyrockets and newly minted starlet Tess finds love with Beal, sinister forces and a prophecy long since foretold have been set in motion. Who is Beal, really? What is this clawing sensation that has begun inside?
Sam’s Blurbs – Chosen by Olly
When intergalactic traveler Lucy accepts a mission to the planet Gor, she wasn’t expecting to find sentient life, much less love! But love has a way of finding us all at the most inopportune times, and Lucy finds herself falling hard for Trag, one of the planet’s unexpected inhabitants. As their relationship grows, the must find a way to overcome the obstacles of being an interplanetary couple. But first, Lucy mist impressed the tribesmen of Gor to prove her worth, and everyone knows meeting the parents is always a killer…
Reeling from a messy breakup, Mark turns to Tinder for comfort and companionship. One fateful swipe matches him with Kate, a seemingly normal girl with a bit of a freaky side. As Mark is drawn further into Kate’s intense sexual orbit, he finds himself in much more inventive and less private scenarios than he had expected. And it seems that Kate’s appetites may not always run strictly to creatures of the human variety…but can the same be said of some of her more exotic partners? Will Mark be attending Kate’s next menage as a participant…or as a late-night snack?
Sarrah’s Blurbs – Chosen By Lilyn
It’s been 300 years since all the food disappeared, and scientists have just found a cure for hunger and have began putting an end to mass starvation. Now when any human child was born, they were immediately implanted with a chip that stopped them from ever getting hungry or dying of starvation. One lucky test subject, Isla Moore, was the first success. She didn’t need food to live, which is great considering there is none. Everything was going well until she found herself, once again, on the lab table. The last thing she remembered is having a little too much to drink last night and flirting with the devilishly handsome doctor at the bar. And now she’s on a table, and something (or someone) smells delicious.
Thomas and Shiro lived a happy life. They were high school sweethearts who got married as soon as they got the chance, and they lived in their dream home in the little town of Eureka, California. Everything they ever dreamed for each other had come true, and nothing could take their happiness away. Until one day they took a walk on the beach and Shiro saw a girl drowning in the water. Thomas told her not to go, but with a confused look she went rushing toward the girl. Shiro found much more than she bargained for, and Thomas was left to deal with the aftermath…
I hope you’ve enjoyed our totally legit and not made up at all blurbs. Seriously, though, some of these books sound great and these covers are awesome!
GracieKat was the first co-host of Sci-Fi & Scary, Lilyn’s partner-in-crime, and sub-head of the Coolthulhu Crew. She reviews horror books, movies, and games for the site. She also does a weekly Focus on the Frightful feature, and is the site list-maker. She is also in control of the Sci-Fi & Scary podcast which will relaunch soon.
Gracie is also a member of the Ladies of Horror Fiction crew.