Back in February we did a Badly Done Blurbs from Horror Book Covers post. We had a lot of fun doing it, and wanted to do another one. However, this time we thought we should shake things up a bit. So this time we picked 5 books we’ve read that the other person hadn’t, and exchanged them for badly done blurbs.
Return of the Badly Done Blurbs
Gracie’s Picks for Lilyn
Bethany’s Sin by Lilyn
From the author of Boy’s Life, Swan Song, and Stinger comes a tale of terror that started with a bit of religious ecstasy. No one ever thought that a way to make it a bit easier to experience the Holy Ghost would end quite so badly. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And, in this case, opening the Way for Night Mares and Day Mares, formerly held back by the veil of human consciousness, to make their way through to the ‘real world’. And maybe humanity could have survived it, and found a way to force the horses back to other side, except one girl did something no one could have imagined. And now due to Bethany’s Sin, the Mares are here to stay.
Note: Yes, I referenced the Xanth novels by Piers Anthony. I can’t help it. The bloody horse is shooting lasers out of its eyes!
Even God stays away from the village of BETHANY’S SIN. For Evan Reid, his wife Kay, and their small daughter Laurie, the beautiful house in the small village was too good a bargain to pass up. Bethany’s Sin was a weird name, but the village was quaint and far from the noise and pollution of the city. But Bethany’s Sin was too quiet. There were no sounds at all…almost as if the night had been frightened into silence. Evan began to notice that there were very few men in the village, and that most of them were crippled. And then there was the sound of galloping horses. Women on horses. Riding in the night. Soon he would learn their superhuman secret. And soon he would watch in terror as first his wife, then his daughter, entered their sinister cabal. An ancient evil rejoiced in Bethany’s Sin. A horror that happened only at night…and only to men.
The Ghost Writer by Lilyn:
Everywhere he goes, he sees them. The shades of people long since past, re-enacting their deaths over and over again. The only way to break their loop and quiet their crossing place is to write their stories and transfer their energy onto paper, where he can maybe one day find a way to put them all permanently at rest. From the mundane to the exotic, Basil Hedgemon is a chronicler of deaths he should never have been able to witness. He’s accepted this as his lot in life. But then he comes across one ghost who never dies twice the same way. Will he ever be able to put this spirit to rest?
Viola Hatherley was a writer of ghost stories in the 1890s whose work lies forgotten until her great-grandson, as a young boy in Mawson, Australia, learns how to open the secret drawer in his mother’s room. There he finds a manuscript, and from the moment his mother catches him in the act, Gerard Freeman’s life is irrevocably changed. What is the invisible, ever-present threat from which his mother strives so obsessively to protect him? And why should stories written a century ago entwine themselves ever more closely around events in his own life? Gerard’s quest to unveil the mystery that shrouds his family, and his life, will lead him from Mawson to London, to a long-abandoned house and the terror of a ghost story come alive.
The King in Yellow by Lilyn:
Most of us vaguely remember the kings in British history, especially as there tended to be long lines of them named after each other. There were some good ones, some bad ones, and some outrageously insane ones. But there was one that many historians have tried their best to cover up, because superstition held that if anyone ever uncovered his true story, he’d come back. And if he comes back, Hell comes with him. Again. These are not the Dark Ages though. And there can’t be any harm in telling you about The King in Yellow now, can there? We thought not, too. Of course, then people started dying… but that’s another story. Isn’t it?
With its strange, imaginative blend of horror, science fiction, romance and lyrical prose, Robert W. Chambers’ The King in Yellow is a classic masterpiece of weird fiction. This series of vaguely connected stories is linked by the presence of a monstrous and suppressed book which brings fright, madness and spectral tragedy to all those who read it. An air of futility and doom pervade these pages like a sweet insidious poison. Dare you read it? This collection has been called the most important book in American supernatural fiction between Poe and the moderns. H. P. Lovecraft, creator of the famed Cthulu mythos, whose own fiction was greatly influenced by this book stated that The King in Yellow achieves notable heights of cosmic fear.
Hell Girl by Lilyn
You’d expect Akane to have a sob story. Some reason she turned evil. There had to be a reason for all the deaths she’s committed throughout the years. But there’s not. Not really. You see, to turn evil infers that one was good at some point. And, though the most religion may have you believing that the end of the world comes at the hand of tall, dark, and charismatic, that’s not even close to correct. Meet your world-ender, your hell-bringer. Akane: Cute, short, and unimaginably evil. Think Lucifer was bad? Baby, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
SHE’S COMING FOR YOU. . . . When you thirst for revenge, there’s a surefire way to get it: Simply go to the strange website that appears only at midnight, and enter the name of your enemy. The Hell Girl will appear to drag your tormentor to eternal damnation. But you will have to pay a price . . . your soul!
The Halloween Caper by Lilyn
Lucy and Richard have it all, and when you have it all, you don’t have nearly enough. They’ve played with fire in the past, and never been burned. There’s no reason this time should be any different. Sorry Mommy and Daddy, and all the Halloween Ball guests. Lucy and Richard want to play with Dead Things. And guess what? You’re it.
Vigilante justice just took on a whole new twist. What happens when a vampire, a witch and a werewolf start scouring the country for the rapists and murderers in our midst? You’re sure to get a surprise and a chuckle from this entertaining take on supernatural beings in our world. Don’t let the title fool you because “The Halloween Caper” is a story you and your friends will enjoy all year round. One reviewer says, “Tim Greaton’s fans will follow him to Hell in gasoline raincoats….” You’re invited to find out why.
Out in the cold, vast reaches of space there is a class of astronauts known for their elite archery skills. They are The Children of the Comet. Mercenaries to the bone they travel the galaxy, working for the highest bidder. Money is their morality until they find themselves in the midst of a war between two factions of space pirates. Will they help the failing rebellion or sell their services to the highest bidder, The Empire of the Emiratuum?
In Donald Moffitt’s brilliant cosmic adventure, Torris, son of the Facemaker, knows only his small community at the base of the great Tree on a comet with almost no gravity or atmosphere. Torris’s daily struggle for survival includes harvesting frozen air to keep breathing, dodging flutterbeasts, and hunting meatbeasts for food. When the time comes to make his vision quest to the top of the Tree, Torris is completely unprepared for what he finds: a thieving and hostile fellow quester; Ning, a female hunter in search of food to save her family on a neighboring comet; and humans from a massive starship that has spent billions of years crossing the galaxy from Earth’s solar system. Perfect for fans of Arthur C. Clarke, Larry Niven, and Peter F. Hamilton, Children of the Comet is an enthralling space odyssey about a young man grappling with unexpected cultural differences and learning to adapt in the face of an uncertain and rapidly changing fantastical future.
Carter & Lovecraft – two names that have inspired fear since time immemorial. They are also fearsome enemies. After an inter-dimensional portal opens in the city of Providence, Rhode Island the two enemies suddenly find themselves on the same team. Begrudgingly they do but each has a secret that could change their history…and the future of mankind.
The start of a thrilling supernatural series that brings the H.P. Lovecraft mythos into the twenty-first century, optioned by Warner Bros TV. Daniel Carter used to be a homicide detective, but his last case-the hunt for a serial killer-went wrong in strange ways and soured the job for him. Now he’s a private investigator trying to live a quiet life. Strangeness, however, has not finished with him. First he inherits a bookstore in Providence from someone he’s never heard of, along with an indignant bookseller who doesn’t want a new boss. She’s Emily Lovecraft, the last known descendant of H.P. Lovecraft, the writer from Providence who told tales of the Great Old Ones and the Elder Gods, creatures and entities beyond the understanding of man. Then people start dying in impossible ways, and while Carter doesn’t want to be involved, he’s beginning to suspect that someone else wants him to be. As he reluctantly investigates, he discovers that Lovecraft’s tales were more than just fiction, and he must accept another unexpected, and far more unwanted inheritance.
Taking short-cuts, in life, business and morals, the crew of Junkyard Sally has never put themselves in the path of danger – unless there’s something in it for them. Tempted by promises of easy money the crew of the Junkyard Sally – Dirk Hardpeck, Jenny Penny, Grifter the Shifter and their two assistants, an android named Mr. Roboto and their eight-legged cat Octopussy – jump at the chance. Their mission? Escort the princess Royal Flush to her home planet. Due to space blocks in the form of intergalactic potholes they’ll have to take the long way around. When they get there they find that on Planet Jocular things aren’t as serene as the name suggests. Soon they find themselves caught up in a conflict of epic proportions – The War of the Irritated. Will they stay and help or will they fall prey to the anger infesting Planet Jocular?
(Some of you may be familiar with the name Dirk Hardpeck from MST3K but I couldn’t resist using it)
Follow a motley crew on an exciting journey through space—and one adventurous young explorer who discovers the meaning of family in the far reaches of the universe—in this light-hearted debut space opera from a rising sci-fi star. Rosemary Harper doesn’t expect much when she joins the crew of the aging Wayfarer. While the patched-up ship has seen better days, it offers her a bed, a chance to explore the far-off corners of the galaxy, and most importantly, some distance from her past. An introspective young woman who learned early to keep to herself, she’s never met anyone remotely like the ship’s diverse crew, including Sissix, the exotic reptilian pilot, chatty engineers Kizzy and Jenks who keep the ship running, and Ashby, their noble captain. Life aboard the Wayfarer is chaotic and crazy—exactly what Rosemary wants. It’s also about to get extremely dangerous when the crew is offered the job of a lifetime. Tunneling wormholes through space to a distant planet is definitely lucrative and will keep them comfortable for years. But risking her life wasn’t part of the plan. In the far reaches of deep space, the tiny Wayfarer crew will confront a host of unexpected mishaps and thrilling adventures that force them to depend on each other. To survive, Rosemary’s got to learn how to rely on this assortment of oddballs—an experience that teaches her about love and trust, and that having a family isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the universe.
At Groom Lake lies one of the most secretive bases in the United States. Speculated on by UFOlogists from around the world even they cannot comprehend the secrets lying within the infamous Area 51. The crash at Roswell was real but little does the general public know exactly what crashed there that night in July, 1947. The last of a race of alien women named the Seveneves have been held captive since that night. After years of experiments they have finally produced the perfect specimen – Eve 7. As Eve 7 grows, so do her powers. She is reaching out telepathically, not just to sensitive humans but to a race that was thought extinct. They are coming to take Eve 7 home. And anyone who gets in their way will never forget it. If they survive.
What would happen if the world were ending? A catastrophic event renders the earth a ticking time bomb. In a feverish race against the inevitable, nations around the globe band together to devise an ambitious plan to ensure the survival of humanity far beyond our atmosphere, in outer space. But the complexities and unpredictability of human nature coupled with unforeseen challenges and dangers threaten the intrepid pioneers, until only a handful of survivors remain . . . Five thousand years later, their progeny—seven distinct races now three billion strong—embark on yet another audacious journey into the unknown . . . to an alien world utterly transformed by cataclysm and time: Earth. A writer of dazzling genius and imaginative vision, Neal Stephenson combines science, philosophy, technology, psychology, and literature in a magnificent work of speculative fiction that offers a portrait of a future that is both extraordinary and eerily recognizable. As he did in Anathem, Cryptonomicon, the Baroque Cycle, and Reamde, Stephenson explores some of our biggest ideas and perplexing challenges in a breathtaking saga that is daring, engrossing, and altogether brilliant.
Code Zero by GracieKat:
The Madness consumed nearly everyone. Airports were shut down, mass panic set in. Was this an epidemic? A pandemic? With communications cut off all over the world there’s no way to know. Joe Ledger assembles an elite fighting group, its talent drawn from every branch of the service. Their name? Code Zero. Their task? Travel the world searching out survivors and maybe, just maybe…a cure. Simple, right?
For years the Department of Military Sciences has fought to stop terrorists from using radical bioweapons—designer plagues, weaponized pathogens, genetically modified viruses, and even the zombie plague that first brought Ledger into the DMS. These terrible weapons have been locked away in the world’s most secure facility. Until now. Joe Ledger and Echo Team are scrambled when a highly elite team of killers breaks the unbreakable security and steals the world’s most dangerous weapons. Within days there are outbreaks of mass slaughter and murderous insanity across the American heartland. Can Joe Ledger stop a brilliant and devious master criminal from turning the Land of the Free into a land of the dead? Code Zero, a Joe Ledger novel from Jonathan Maberry, is the exciting direct sequel to Patient Zero
How do our synopses stack up against the real thing? Let us know down below!
GracieKat was the first co-host of Sci-Fi & Scary, Lilyn’s partner-in-crime, and sub-head of the Coolthulhu Crew. She reviews horror books, movies, and games for the site. She also does a weekly Focus on the Frightful feature, and is the site list-maker. She is also in control of the Sci-Fi & Scary podcast which will relaunch soon.
Gracie is also a member of the Ladies of Horror Fiction crew.
I’m concerned about what Bethany’s sin was in your version of the blurb, Lilyn lol. I like your idea for Ghost Writer though, someone should actually write that book!
Grifter the Shifter lol.
I liked her synopsis of Ghost Writer, too. It sounds better than the actual book was, lol.
That was fun and I’d check out these books just going by your blurbs!
Awesome as always. Just the fun read I needed this morning!
Thank you! We had a lot of fun doing them!
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