We all gripe and moan about Trump, but, honestly, things could be worse. Now, it would take so much more to make it worse that we have to dive into the realm of snark to do this post, but who gives a flying squirrel? (Seriously, I’d love to have a flying squirrel….) Feast your eyes, ladies and gents, on people that would do a great job of putting real terror in the seats of power. The Presidents and Vice Presidents that would surely doom us all.
Real(ly) Ridiculous Reprobate Rulers
President: Santa Claus – He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows when you’ve been good or bad so be good for goodness sake. Ah, Santa Claus, the finest creeper of creepers there shall ever be. You think our current Big Brother-esque situation is bad? Just wait until this man gets his jolly buttocks situated in that special chair. All the eyes, all the time. And he doesn’t even need to use your browser history to get y’all. Be scared. Be very scared. Because, you never know, if you tick him off, he might just morph into Krampus. Wouldn’t that just be lovely?…What’s that you say? Santa wouldn’t bother you because you’re a good person? Hmm. Are you sure? No naughty thoughts? No minor moments of mischief? If you say so…
Vice President: The Easter Bunny – Ah, the Easter Bunny. He seems a nice, friendly sort that gives out free chocolate. But is he really? He sneaks into homes (no one really knows how, at least Santa is forced to use the chimney) and leaves eggs and chocolate. Eggs make the perfect surveillance devices. They’re so pretty and non-threatening and almost impossible to find them all. And, really, Can you trust a creature that gives away free chocolate but eats none himself? Hmm?
President: Delores Umbridge – This toadlike vision in pink could teach Satan himself a few things about what it’s like to be truly evil. And do it with a mean little smile gracing her lips. If she could keep her evil hidden long enough to get elected, we’d all be screwed. But now, see, I’m imagining Mueller as Harry Potter, and this is a problem, people. Most accurately because Umbridge gave Harry hell, and it was really Fred and George who lead the… Okay, I had a wander. Forgive me.
Vice President: Irene Adler – While President Umbridge is behind her big, shiny desk doing what she loves best, creating and putting into effect new rules, I’m sure Irene Adler would enjoy being the public face of the presidency. With her charm, looks and chameleon-like ability to blend into a crowd I’m sure she would enjoy traveling the world on diplomatic, uh, fact-finding missions.
President: Professor Moriarty – Not only is he ridiculously evil, but he’s also blasted brilliant and appears almost saint-like. And the combined means that he would be a force to be reckoned with. Unlike You-Know-Who (No, not Voldemort), it would be hard to prove that Moriarty was something other than what he appeared. Who knows, though, maybe we could get an equally brilliant arserag like Holmes to deal with him. Knowing our luck though? Heh. Yeah.
Vice President: Ebenezer Scrooge (before the ghosts) – Professor Moriarty, while brilliant, is fiscally irresponsible. He will spend a vast fortune to crush one enemy. As in, one person, not even a country. So who better to manage the Federal Budget while Moriarty is thinking up his latest diversion. I can almost guarantee that the National Deficit would be running in the black within a year.
President: Hannibal Lecter – Brillant and evil (I’m starting to sense a trend here in which anyone with intelligence gets a step up). Piss him off and he won’t just denounce and fire you, he’ll have your liver with some fava beans and chianti. Probably in front of his whole cabinet, just to make a point.
Vice President: Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde – Dr. Jekyll might seem an odd choice since he can’t match ultimate wits with Dr. Lecter. However, Dr. Jekyll has an ingratiating personality full of the hypocrisy needed to double-talk the general public. Behind closed doors he has the personality of Hyde to fall back on to cover those bases that would most screw-over that same public.
President: Satan – How many people did we see denouncing Obama as the Antichrist? How many movies have heralded a world leader that will be suave and charming and lead to the destruction of the world? *sad trumpet sound* Satan is a people-person, a charmer, and able to talk you into doing things you know are absolutely stupid, if you follow the whole Christian mythology thing (and I’m sure there’s some version of him in most other religions as well.) So, yeah, this is a man that would lead us pied piper style toward the gates of Hades, and we’d be blind until we were about to take the final step.
Vice President: Andrew Woodhouse – What better running mate than his son? A handsome duo with charm to spare these two would conquer the world with their combined efforts. Andy may even set a new fashion trend for hats and I’ve heard that contacts work wonders to cover up any…unusual traits he may have inherited from his father. He may spend a bit too much on manicures (claws are so hard to file down yourself) but in general he’ll be very presentable looking. It would be a father/son duo the world will never forget (provided they don’t accidentally bring about Armageddon).
So, yeah, in hindsight, we could be dealing with worse than the current administration’s belligerent bag o’ bravado.
And before some of you get your knickers in a twist, we must point out again that this post was done in what we hope was obvious fun.
Who would you choose as the dastardly duos to deliver unto us our dystopias?