J.B. Rockwell, author of Serengeti (loved it!), Dark and Stars (loved it, too!), and Hecate (haven’t read it yet), sacrifices brain cells for Sci-Fi & Scary every month for what she calls Bad Movie Recap & Review time. I wait eagerly for her to make her movie selection, wondering what awesomely bad movie is going to be subjected to her blistering review. As soon as I receive it, half the time I’m reading it on my phone because I don’t want to wait to get home and read it on the computer screen.
Bad-good movies. Aren’t they lovely? Aren’t they glorious?
And this one, folks, is a doozy. I highly recommend not attempting to eat or drink anything whilst reading this.
**Sci-Fi & Scary is not responsible for any electronics fried by spit-takes or hospital bills from you choking on your pizza.**
Find J.B. Rockwell at: http://www.jenniferbrockwell.com/
Anaconda 3: The Offspring
Third Time’s a Charm… Or Something Like That…
By J.B. Rockwell
If you harken back to my inaugural Bad Movie Review post (cough-cough-cough, shameless promo link), you’ll remember that I subdivided my beloved bad movies into three big bucket categories: Cheap & Cheesy, SyFy Originals, and Blockbuster Bellyflops.
Looking back on my reviews to date, I realized every last one of them fell into this last category: big budget movies with big name actors that didn’t intend to be bad, but—through a combination poor writing, sloppy plotting and, well, general dumbness—ended up being exactly that.
And yet, strangely entertaining at the same time.
*sigh* Ah, bad-good movies, how I love you so.
Anywho, I also realized I’d only reviewed movies I’d actually already seen before, not a randomly picked, going-into-it-blind film-like flick.
“Well,” said I, “time to change that, innit?”
Yes, sir! Time to watch some crap. And by crap, I mean awful excellentness. A big old boatload terrible just waiting for me to find it. The only question was: What movie to pick?
Well, Anaconda 3 wasn’t actually my first choice. I actually wanted to watch Lesbian Vampire Killers (mostly because I was dying to know if the Vampire Killers are Lesbians or if the Vampire Killers only kill Lesbian Vampires) but Amazon actually wanted me to pay to rent it. Heresy! The lure of the bad movie is its freeness in recognition of its baditude! One does not pay to view the crap.
In a fit of self-righteous snootery (and cheapness) I turned my back on The Lesbians and the Vampires and the Killers that may or may not be both (for now, I still kinda wanna watch this) and fell back on another potentially rotten chestnut squirreled away on the List of Mostly Likely Terrible Movies I maintain. And that movie, my friends, is a whopper. Number 3 in a series—because everyone knows the third movie’s always the best—and product of that twisted womb of quality cinema, SyFy Original Films.
Note: that’s category 2, for those that are keeping score.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you Anaconda 3: The Offspring. The least anaconda-ish of the series and probably the worst—
Woah-woah-woah. Getting way ahead of myself. Just…read. You’ll figure it out.
A mercenary-for-hire accepts a mission from a billionaire to capture a dangerous snake that could possibly help cure a terminal illness.
Note: Before Lilyn accuses me of stacking the deck, I did NOT know going into this that Anaconda 3 has the same basic premise as Deep Blue Sea. Except with snakes instead of sharks. And the Hoff in place of Thomas Jaynehart Shark Wrangler. And much, much worse CGI…
David Hasselhoff (Known for Baywatch and being the best-loved American recording artist in Germany—did you see him dance on The Berlin Wall and knock it all down?!) as Hammet: an ass-kicking, snake-wrangling, Hannibal Smith cigar-chewing mercenary/big game hunter-for-hire who loves him some snake killing.
John Rhys-Davies (AKA, Sallah from the Indiana Jones movies) as Murdoch: an evil British billionaire who funds a lab to conduct experiments on poor little snakies and accidentally turn them into killers. Also, old and greedy and wants the snake cure for himself so he can be less old and more greedy but still British and evil.
Crystal Allen (Best known for… this movie, sadly. And the follow-up Anacondas: Trail of Blood) as Amanda Hayes: token hottie and supposed scientist who helped engineer the killer snakies. Spends most of the movie threatening to call in the military but then never actually doing it. Evidently, that’s hard.
A Bunch of Other Guys You’ve Never Heard of (Seriously, there wasn’t another name or face I recognized in this cast outside of The Hoff and JRD) as Hoff’s B Team: Walking meat sticks who run around shooting—and mostly missing—everything in sight before dying in bloody, screamy ways.
Budget & Box Office TV Movie Info:
- Release Date: 26 July 2008
- Budget: Not Available—Guessing about $1,000
- Box Office Sales: Not Available—Guessing about $25
Sequels & Crossovers:
Anacondas: Trail of Blood, also a SyFy Original. Aaaand, that’s about it. Granted, this is Number 3 in a series, so there was the original Anaconda and Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid before it so, ya know, stuff. And things. Snakey-snakey-snakey hiss.
The Story (in a Nutshell):
Warning: Spoilers. Proceed with caution.
Cancer-stricken tycoon and British rich guy Peter Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies) establishes a super-secret lab to develop a blood orchid extract cure.
Note: Wow. What a ham-fisted reference to the previous movie. Way to go SyFy.
To examine why it works optimally in snakes, they also breed a super-anaconda strain. BECAUSE HOW COULD THAT POSSIBLY GO WRONG, AM I RIGHT?
Of course, we don’t know all this right away. The movie actually opens with its marquee name: David The Hassle The Hoff acting all sweaty and studly and tough as he and his mercenary/gun-for-hire troupe (yes, we are supposed to accept The Hoff as a mercenary/gun-for-hire/big game hunter, complete with A-Team style cigar chomping) getting their asses kicked by one extremely large snake.
Like, huge. I’d say a good 100 feet long and built like a semi.
Anyway, Hoff wins out in the end, of course, leaving snakey-wakey dead-dead-dead.
There ya go. Dominance established, snake done. Movie’s over, right? Time to move on?
Uh, no. Unfortunately…This was basically the movie’s high point.
So, cut to a lady jogger and spliced in scenes of science lab stuff for no apparent reason—bouncing boobs, test tubes, bouncing butt, pipettes. This goes on for…I’m gonna say five minutes before there’s yet another cut to John Rhys-Davis (AKA, evil rich British guy) decked out like an evil rich British car in a cravat and chauffeur-driven car.
Because OMG we have to force-fit all character introductions in the most forced and awkward way and right up front rather than ease into this nonsense.
To show just how rich, British and evil JRD’s character is, he conveniently goes off on a very long diatribe against PETA, followed by a tour of his super sinister snake brewing lab, complete with other heavily accented evil snake brewing scientists.
Why the lab? Why the snakes? Ah! The scientists are on to an anti-aging, cancer and Alzheimer’s reversing cure type thing—I’m guessing a personal ambition of frail old JRD—and the key to said cure involves some big ass, science engineered snakes. Obviously.
Side note: Did they get this idea from the Deep Blue Sea scientists? I feel like someone’s owed royalties for the whole ‘Let’s genetically modify some animal things and really piss them off in the name of science and keeping old guys from getting old’ thing.
Right. The rest of it. Moving on.
The Rest of It:
With our bad guy, snake wrangler and evil lab established, we just need a token female to romp around with bouncy-bouncy boobies. Oh, right! She’s out jogging. Oh, wait. She’s done.
Boob Jogger enters bouncing, in all her hot, sweaty, clinging to her chestages glory. Turns out she’s not just a random jogger, she’s also a wicked smart scientist and prone to fits of experimenting on snakes to make them big-er-er and bad-er-er. From Dr. Boober we learn that the lab—though evil and backed by a British billionaire—is woefully understaffed and terribly dangerous as a result. Also, she makes sure to tell us she’s not an evil-bad scientist like the rest of these guys—she’s got no accent, after all—she’s just doing what they pay her for.
Nice try, sister. You’re still a messed up snake splicer in search of a buck and I don’t like you. Or your suspiciously prominent melon rack.
Right. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s review:
- Super-secret lab? Check.
- Big ass snakes? Check.
- Scientists? Several checks.
- Evil rich guy who wants to live forever? Check, check checkity-check.
All good, right? We’ve got everything we need, nothing could possibly—
Crap. The snakes just staged a jailbreak. Aaaand now they’re killing everyone. Evidently there’s also something called a ‘queen’ snake? WTF, writers? Snakes don’t have queens, that’s bees, ya buncha lazy-ass, dumb monkeys!
Whatever she is, the psycho snakes bust her out, too. And then all the snakies go bye-bye, abandoning the lab for the countryside and a free-flowing, scales in the wind killing spree.
So, to recap, we’ve got super-sized, super-pissed snakes on the loose and no one to stop them. Where’s an ass-kicking snake killer when you need one?
Tijuana, as it turns out. Or somewhere South-of-the-border-looking anyway, complete with wandering burro and a dive bar full of shady customers. Hoff gets the call and, after a brief stop to grab some cash and participate in a friendly little game of bar fight, dashes away to… wherever the lab’s located to report for duty.
Snake duty, that is. Cigar and gun required.
Back at the lab, the guys are impatient and unwilling to wait the hour/day/minute (who knows where Hoff is in relation to the lab) for The Hoff to arrive and help them, so they call in the B Team and send them off to get killed.
Er, I mean, track down the escaped snakes and make them dead.
Also back at the lab, Dr. Boobers is trying to convince the evil bad lab guys to call in the military, but said lab guys are both evil and bad and tell her to shut her mouth. Which she does. Because she signed a non-disclosure agreement.
Wow. Nice example of female empowerment, Dr. Boobers. One little piece of paper and you fold like a noodle in a high wind.
Right. Since Dr. Boobers can’t use her mouth to convey her righteousness indignation, she decides to use her hips. Off she goes, flouncing away in a fit of pique and rebelliousness to force herself on B Team and their ill-advised snake hunt.
Not quite sure what she plans to do since has no weapon and B Team only gives her a tiny pea shooter, but I suppose she could maybe woo the escaped snakes or something. There’s gotta be some reason she keeps waving around those headlights, after all. And, and she’s a scientist! Scientists are all about the woo from what I hear.
*nods sagely quickly moves on*
Meanwhile in a barn, a really big snake eats someone.
Good god, this movie is terrible. How much time is left. An hour?! Sheesh. Alright. What’s next?
B team tracks the snake to the barn via some sort of tracker the scientists inserted into it. Probably anally. Scientists like to do things in the butt. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the B Team crew is a who’s who of clichés. There’s black guy wearing a do-rag, redneck wearing a cowboy hat, tough chick with a tramp stamp and short, spikey hairdo, and fake Kylo Ren. Oh, and their leader looks like the bastard offspring of Aaron Eckhart and Thomas Jayne. Except, ya know, not quite good looking. And pretty much useless.
Anyway, Snaky sheds his skin to ditch the tracker (it came out the butt hole, I bet) and munches a couple B Teams members, including Aaron Fakeheart’s awkward love child before taking off for Parts Unknown. After spraying a few hundred bullets and missing everything but their Range Rover (or is it a Land Cruiser? I can never keep those two straight), the rest of B Team set off in hot pursuit.
Into a forest. Which is the absolute BEST place to be chasing after a 60+ foot man-munching snakerator.
Meanwhile, Boober is back at the barn with some lab administrator weenie and gets attacked by a snake—no idea which one or how many there are at this point, but I’m not sure it matters since there’s apparently no real plot! Dr. Boober’s entire existence in this movie seems to be focused on getting herself into sticky situations to create an excuse for The Hoff to come save her. Speaking of which…
ENTER THE HOFF, BIG GAME HUNTER. THANK GOD. WE’RE ALL SAVED.
Phew! Now that a real snake wrangler’s in town, everything’s finally gonna be alright. Hoff takes charge of B Team lickety-split and the whole band of them take off. Again. Well, except lab administrator weenie who’s a big woosy and stays at the barn with the dead bodies because… that’s safer…somehow?
Erstwhile, back in the forest, there’s snake chasing afoot. And a-car. Because half of B Team piled into the one not-shot-up vehicle (with Dr. Boobers) and set off after one snake, while Hoff and the rest pursue the other. I guess. It’s honestly not clear if they’re both after the same snake or if they’re all just flailing around (as I suspect) in the hopes they’ll scare something up by sheer luck.
In either case, things go south for Team Car pretty quickly. A run-in with Snaky leaves Fake Kylo Ren and Tramp Stamp exiting stage left dead, and the Range Rover/Land Cruiser they crashed before dying engulfed in flames. With Dr. HotTits trapped inside.
Alone again and in an on-fire vehicle, Dr. Boobers uses her chestal powers to bust out and make a run for it. With snakey-wakey in pokey pursuit. This being a BAD MOVIE and Dr. Boobers being a TOKEN HOT AND BOOBAGE-ENDOWED GIRL, she naturally trips while running and falls into a mud puddle. Where she proceeds to roll all around and get mud everywhere.
Dirty girl. Dirty, dirty girl.
Also, WTF? Why does every running girl in every bad movie trip while being pursued and fall flat on her face?
Anyway, all that mud leads to a very Predator-esque moment, when snakey-wakey suddenly goes all blind and dumb because mud + Dr. Boobers somehow = invisible to genetically enhanced critters.
Note: The writers make a BIG DEAL about this mud invisibility but it never comes up again. Ever. Not sure if that’s a result of piss-poor plotting or the writers just forgot their point in putting this scene in. Either way, it’s indicative of the quality of this movie that they hamfist in a scene like this and never do anything with it later.
Okay. Diatribe over, back to the movie, which—ugh—isn’t even close to done yet.
Right. Cue The Hoff’s re-entry with gun a-blazing to save MudTits. Two shots and the snake tucks tail and heads for the hills. Never mind B Team fired HUNDREDS of rounds at the scaly critter earlier and the snake didn’t give two shits. Two Hoff busters and snakey’s all ‘hell no I’m outta here cuz that guy’s a badass mofo’. Who knows, maybe he heard about that whole Berlin Wall thing and ran before Hoff busted out in song?
What’s that? Oh, yeah. Movie. Right. Tracking.
Back to the barn again—Why the barn? What is so important about this goddamn barn that we keep going back there?—where Dr. Boobers cleans herself up, threatens to call in the army—AGAIN—but doesn’t, and everyone else discusses what a raving bitch she is behind her back. All this somehow leads to her admitting all the REALLY BAD things they did to those snakes for REALLY GOOD AND ALTRUSITIC reasons and then bam! she drops the bomb: Queeny Baby’s preggers and due to give birth in less than 24 hours.
More driving, more chasing (Note: they keep destroying Range Rovers or Land Cruisers or whatever the hell these SUVs are, but more just seem to magically appear when they need them) and we end up at some abandoned building. Boobers and whatever B Team member she’s with—I stopped keeping track because they’re all red shirted ensigns, one interchangeable with another—scare the snake out of the abandoned building, and tromp back into the forest.
See the pattern here? Yeah. We repeat this half a dozen times in the course of the movie.
*shakes fist at lazy writers for being sad sacks and lazy-ass no-good-nicks*
With Mama due to have bebehs any minute, Hoff decides to call in the military because he’s suddenly come over with a case of the worries for all the innocent people in the area.
Aw, Big Game Hoff is a big softy.
Despite the call—and in keeping with this movie where people call for help and then blithely set off before said help even gets a chance to arrive—Hoff doesn’t waste time sticking around. Nope. Screw the army, Hoff Daddy needs himself a new pair of anaconda snakeskin boots and he knows just where to find them. Somehow…
Naturally B Team splits up again—back to that half afoot, half a-car set-up that worked SO well before. Dr. Boobers and Brother Do-Rag head off in the Land Cruiser and end up in some inexplicably drippy abandoned building.
Note: We have yet to see this ‘populace’ Hoff is worried about. The entire area seems to be inhabited by destroyed labs, falling down barns and abandoned buildings. Why are they so worried about people getting snake-munched when there’s no damn people anywhere to be found?
Yeah-yeah, keep your shirt on. I’m getting back to the movie. Sheesh.
So, creepy-creepy-creepy through the drippy-drippy dump with Dr. Boobers in the lead using her headlights to scan the way ahead. Despite her leadership, Do-Rag gets all snucked up on and tail speared by snaky, and bravely blows himself (and the snake, presumably) up with a grenade, leaving Dr. Boobers alone. Again. And Hoff running to save her. Again.
I’m telling you, these writers are the most worthless, unimaginative—
Ya know, it occurs to me that this entire charade would be much easier and much quicker to resolve if these stupid people would just stop splitting up.
Speaking of splitting up, in an awkward cut scene worthy of a 1970s health and safety film, the movie jams in an out-of-kilter scene break showing JRD—remember him? He was in the movie for like 10 minutes at the beginning and apparently returned from vacation or whatever to shoot some promo shots for the end—on the phone with one of the B Team members on his payroll. Other than passing on a cryptic comment about ‘everything going to plan,’ the entire point of this scene seems to be to remind the audience that they conned JRD into appearing in this sucktastic movie.
That’s right, I said sucktastic. Also, plan? What fucking plan? The one where people keep splitting up and running from one abandoned building to another only to return to that stupid fucking barn? If there’s one thing I learned from this movie, it’s that cut-rate snake wranglers are incapable of making a plan. This whole damn movie has no plan. This script has no plan. If it did, something useful or interesting would actually happen because the entire point of a plan is to actually sit down and create a plan where something fucking happens. But noooo. These guys cheaped out and hired Captain Crunch and Count Chocula to write this movie. Left the CGI to that guy Buddy in the TV department guy down at the local K-Mart because they—
I know, I know, I know, I’m getting back to the atrociously terrible movie!
Now where was I? Right. Hoff turns evil. That’s right, evil. Seems he’s not quite the ‘let’s kill ‘em all and save the populace’ good guy he pretended to be. Nope, total self-serving asshole. Such an asshole that he shoots his last surviving B Team member—Cowboy Hat? Can’t remember—and takes Dr. Boobers hostage to beat the sweet, sweet snake enhancing knowledge out of her sweet, sweet melon supported brain.
And why, you ask? Because evil British guy JRD offered him $10M to capture the snake and continue the research, not kill the snake and make sure everyone doesn’t die. Well, Dr. Boobers ain’t havin’ it. In a surprise twist, she chooses this moment to finally do something besides drive around with her rack of melons and fall down in the mud. Instead of whipping out a gun she doesn’t have, she tosses out some sick karate kicks and sets about messing Hoff up. And when the kicks don’t work, she does things the old fashioned way and stabs him in the gut with a heretofore unused and unmentioned pig sticker knife.
Girl power! Unicorns and victory over stinky boys for all!
So, Hoff’s down for the count, but unfortunately, there’s still the preggers queen snake to deal with—Boobers almost forgot about that. Luckily she brought a bomb with her—also not previously mentioned or shown—which she forthrightly chucks and runs.
Queen Snaky, ever the lady, politely stays put after said chucking in order to remain within the blast radius of the bomb—such a nice, obedient snaky. They taught her such good manners in that evil, evil lab—and kablammo! gets murdalized in an earth shattering kaboom of fire and smoke.
Flush with victory—and snake-bombingness—Dr. Boobers takes off in yet another magical Land Cruiser, unaware that some guy—a B Team member, I assume—has snuck into the bombed-out building she just left. A shifty, no good snake stealer or snatches up a not-so-itty-bitty giant snake baby and stuffs it in a sack to bring back to JRD.
Okay, I gotta go back to this. How is any of this a plan? The guy had a lab full of snakes and he had to make the snakes escape to execute his master plan of capturing them again? Seriously? Who wrote this movie, a Magic 8-Ball set on random? A drunk donkey tapping out words on a squeeze box? Two gerbils and a hamster—
Nevermind. It doesn’t matter. The suckfest is mercifully over and I can finally say, ‘The End’.
This movie… well, there’s bad movies and there’s bad-good movies and then there’s crap like this. I hesitate to even call this a movie. It’s an abomination that shouldn’t be and someone owes me and hour and twenty-six minutes of my life back for sitting through this awful excuse for cinema. You know how MST3K lampoons bad movies and makes them funny? Yeah, that’s not even possible. There’s nothing here to lampoon, just a core of rotten cheese rapped in a rutabaga stuffed with week-old fish.
- Bad Moving Rating: 1 (out of 5)
- Regular Movie Rating: 0.05 (out of 5)
Yeah, I got nothin’. This wasn’t exactly what you’d call a quote worthy movie. Normally I can fall back on IMDB or some other website to offer up some pithy bits of goodness, but this time? Bubkis. Total wasteland. The train to Empty City has left the station and ain’t comin’ back.
Look. I watched the movie, okay. The whole movie, as terrible as it was. So you want quotes? Go watch this crap machine yourself. I’m certainly not going back for a second helping…
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