Surviving the Holidays for Parents who have lost a Child

Hey,

Guess what? Its almost over. You’ll soon have made it through a(nother) holiday without your baby and soon the pressure on your chest, the weight on your heart, and the screams of anguish you don’t dare let out any other way than mentally will fade back to their normal levels.

You can make it through. It’ll be over soon.

If this is your first Christmas without your child, today (the 24th) and 25th (if you celebrate traditional Christmas) are going to be hell. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but that’s the truth. You’re going to be at the table, eating with the family or friends who haven’t abandoned you because they don’t know how to handle your loss, and its going to feel so wrong. So. fucking. wrong. You’re going to want to scream. You’re going to want to cry. You’re going to want to rage at everyone to please just stop pretending to be normal or that everything’s okay because everything is not okay and nothing ever be right ever again!!!  …..and that’s okay. You do what you need to do, because you lost a child. FUCK everyone else right now, during this ‘happy’ season. You went through a pain that no person should have to go through. It is PERFECTLY okay to say “FUCK YOU” to anyone who dares suggest that you try to be normal , smile, etc. They don’t know. Hopefully they never know. Because you do. I do. So many mothers and fathers out there know what this pain – especially  from the first Christmas- is like.

You can make it through. It’ll be over soon.

For those of you going through your 2nd or 3rd or more set of winter holidays… It gets a little easier every time, I think, but as we all know, it never gets easy.  If you’re like me, it still hits you out of the blue. You still want to scream and cry and fuss because its just not fucking fair that you don’t have your child and it seems like everyone else has theirs. I still don’t want to go out in public during the holidays, when people are cooing over cute kids and announcing pregnancies and all that crap. Yeah, its Grinch-ish, but guess what? I LOST MY CHILD. I have every stinkin’ right to be a Grinch when my heart is half the size it was…. and so do you. Whether its been 2 years or 10 – You will never get over that wound in your heart, even if the pain lessens a bit – so be gentle and forgiving to yourself.

You can make it through. It’ll be over soon.

There’s a handful of people (hopefully more if you’re lucky) that will try to support you during the holidays. Be thankful for them, even if you want to scream at them because nothing they’re saying or doing really helps you. They’re trying. And nowadays, finding people who care enough to try is so, so rare.

It’ll be over soon. It WILL be over soon. IT WILL. It hurts, and it sucks, and there’s this pain in you that no one except another parent who has lost a child can ever understand, but… it will be over soon. Things will back down from an excruciating, soul-tearing pain to the normal hellish agony you’ve learned to deal with every day.

We can do it. It’ll be over soon.

I might not be immediately accessible on the 25th, but if you need someone to rant to because of how much the holidays just. freaking. suck. for us… reach out to me via comments. I’ll do my best to support you emotionally.

Love,

Lilyn

 

14 thoughts on “Surviving the Holidays for Parents who have lost a Child

  1. I have no good words, so I will leave what I have. I will not pretend I know what you are feeling. But I thank you for baring your soul to make it just a little easier for those who do know.

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve a friend that is going through this for the first time. I know I can’t make it better. And still, I want to try. Wish I could make it better for you to. Much love to you, sweetie.

    1. If she needs to talk to someone who does ‘get it’ in the most painful way possible, direct her towards me, please. I’d be more than willing to exchange emails or some such if she needs to.

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