Synopsis: Fearing the actions of Superman are left unchecked, Batman takes on the man of steel, while the world wrestles with what kind of hero it really needs. With Batman and Superman fighting each other, a new threat, Doomsday, is created by Lex Luthor. It’s up to Superman and Batman to set aside their differences along with Wonder Woman to stop Lex Luthor and Doomsday from destroying Metropolis. – IMDB
Tagline: Who will win?
Release Date: 2016-3-25 | MPAA Rating: PG-13 | Coolthulhus Earned: 2
Trailer: Batman Versus Superman
Batman Versus Superman Review
I went into this movie knowing in my heart of hearts it wasn’t going to be good (pretty sure the last decent movie that Affleck was in was …. Armageddon.) but I was hoping for “Maybe it’ll be so bad its good.” …………..nope. It was just bad. Now, I’ll admit easily that it was, at times, entertaining. Unfortunately, when it wasn’t entertaining me, it was so bad I was counting the red lights in the aisle of the theatre, and muttering disparaging remarks under my breath.
Who the hell thought casting Ben Affleck was a good idea? Have we not acknowledged by now that his prettiness is about all he’s good for? I swear, for 80 percent of the movie, from the nose up, he NEVER moved! “I am pissed. See how pissed I am? This is my pissed face. It looks just like my bored face. My constipated face. My sex face. My politics face. My happy face.” ……You get the point. Seriously, get him and Kristen Stewart together, and by the time they were done with a movie, a marble sculptor would have had plenty of expressionless time from them to make freakin’ busts for the No-Acting Hall of Fame.
There were a couple of scenes that had me snickering or leaning forward in engagement, but I’m writing this 15 minutes after the movie, and all I can remember is… the glowing eyes, the stupid over-the-top CGI, and Henry Cavill half-naked in them ‘jams. ‘Cause, damn, he looked good in them ‘jams. Jeremy Irons is apparently the new Alfred. I remember seeing him first appear on-screen, realizing who he was supposed to be, and turning to my partner as I hissed in disbelief “He is not Alfred! HE. IS. NOT!”
Pretty sure the only scenes that made me chuckle were Laurence Fishburne’s scenes. Well, there was the scene where Superman was walking into…the important place which I’m not going to name because I won’t spoil it for you … and dude was walking like he had a major cob up his arse. That amused me. It wasn’t quite hulking-he-man walk, more like I-have-massive-wedgie-but-too-masculine-to-admit-it walk. That suit was tight. Who knows. Maybe the reason Cavill was walking like he had a massive wedgie was because he actually did.
In terms of uniqueness, it had none. “Oh lookit! This is gonna happen.” It happens. “Shock. Awe.” “Oh lookit, I bet this is going to happen.” It happens. “Shock. Awe.” “Hey, betcha…” It happened. “Shock. Awe.” The whole movie was like this! There was only one scene that got a legit reaction from me besides yawning, and that was your basic jump scare.
Why was Lex Luthor crazy? I mean, he wasn’t even evil crazy. Dude was just batshit (pardon the pun.) Lex Luthor is best played when he’s at least slightly evil. Not just outright cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Eisenburg was just bad casting. Bad. Casting. I said in my review of American Ultra that I figured Eisenburg to be one who played himself in almost every movie, and I think that first impression is true. Almost worse than casting Ben Affleck as Batman. Almost.
…and is Superman really so used to being, well, super, that he couldn’t freaking comprehend a basic idea like “Hold your breath, dingaling!” It’s little things like this that bug the crap out of me. The script is not well-written, and a multitude of errors abound on it. Not even ones that you only discover on a second viewing, or things that strike you after the movie. No, some of them are so bad and easily apparent that it jerks you out of the story because you’re like “Heyyyyyyyyy….wait a second!”
Overall, while Batman versus Superman did have some entertaining moments, it definitely catered to the lowest common denominator, and, lord, what a low denominator that is. It served pretty much only as a vehicle to introduce Wonder Woman (and that’s a story I’ve no interest in watching), and was an exercise in how to not make a good movie yet spend lots of money pretending you are. Sorry, folks, but this one’s a doozy. It’s so bad I actually left the theatre, walked to the bar (which in fairness is part of the theatre itself), and ordered a second drink because I could not sit through it without a second drink. Don’t waste your hard-earned money on it. Hell, don’t waste money your mama gave you on it.
….somehow this led to a discussion on the merits of Showgirls with my partner. (It had its merits, dagblastit. The chair scene. ………the chair scene was freaking hot. Slightly disturbing, mind you, but freaking hot nonetheless.) Hmm…
….and if my review appeared a bit disjointed and not likable to you, then definitely don’t watch the movie, because I just gave you a bookish taste of the film.