Okay, those who know me keep insisting that I need to give Miss L’s, uhm, character, some time on this blog, so…
We’ll just lump this in under “Kid’s Corner” and pretend this is Saturday for this first one. Having started on the road to recovery from strep throat, she has been particularly…exuberant today.
The two of us are driving along in my little ratty Chevy Cavalier, and in the backseat, securely fastened into her 5-pt harness carseat, Miss L is on the phone with my mom. Now, the conversation starts like you’d normally expect. “Yeah, uhm, we’re just going to the Half-Price Books Store, and then mommy says we can have ice cream because our throats are still sore.” and so on and so forth.
However, after about five minutes of normal chatter, I hear her voice drop, and she whispers conspiratorially (which really is just above a stage whisper for her) “But, I gotta tell you a secret about my work.”
Mmm… This is going to be good.
“See, yesterday at my invisible work, one of my co-workers, he died…but then he got surgeried on (she’s six. “Surgeried” is a valid word in her book!)and came back alive but as a zombie” Here she gives a dramatic inhale, and then blurts out “and he bit me!”
If I wasn’t driving, this around the point where I thump my head into the nearest available surface, because I know I’m in for a dash of epicness.
Its not long before she continues, and every other sentence is peppered with giggles, because she’s quite aware she’s being completely ridiculous. “and I almost turned into a zombie, but I farted in his face, and turned back into a regular person!”
(You’d think the story is about as crazy as it could get, but no… it gets… well, I’m hesitant to use the word better … more intense.)
“But, other people started turning into zombies, and they started trying to zombify the building we were in, but the building got up and ran away farting. It was like PPPpPPPppT, PFFFFFT,PPppppPPPTT, PFFFFT….”
We’re at a stoplight, so I’ve got tears threatening, and I just slowly lower my head until it touches the steering wheel, and giggle quietly, trying desperately not to encourage her, even though I know my mom is doing exactly that on the other end of the line.
“BUT that wasn’t enough, so the building took a dump in the middle of the street! AND THAT smelled so bad that it turned all the zombies back into humans!”
At this point, before she could go any further, I stuck my hand backward, and demanded “Phone!” When she handed it to me, I mumbled “My child has inherited your brother’s talent for bullshit.”
From the backseat, Miss L interjects with “OI! That’s a bad word! You shouldn’t say that!”
Well, there you have it…How Bodily Functions Saved the World.
(You can thank Clayton from Page Turners, Inc for me finally posting this, after I tweeted about L dressed in her Minion Jams, performing her Kung-fu moves at high speed, to “Eye of the Tiger” while watching TMNT. As I said, she’s…wired, tonight.)