Geostorm Synopsis: When the network of satellites designed to control the global climate start to attack Earth, it’s a race against the clock to uncover the real threat before a worldwide geostorm wipes out everything and everyone.
Tagline: Some things were never meant to be controlled.
Release Date: October 20th, 2017
Runtime: 1 hr 49 minutes
Coolthulhus Earned: 3
Geostorm, the latest attempt by large production houses to capitalize on our fear and fascination with the possible end of the world as we know it is, undoubtedly, a colossal flop. Not that it completely sucked, ’cause it didn’t. It just sucked in a Michael Bay type way. You know, big budget entertaining trash that can be a guilty pleasure when you’ve had enough to drink? That type of suckage.
Hollywood has – no argument here – got it right a few times. Such as with The Day After Tomorrow. Starring Dennis Quad, Jake Gyllenhal, The Day After Tomorrow was a perfectly paced, quiet, rather solid film in it’s own way. Was it a blockbuster? I honestly don’t know and don’t care to look it up, but it is a movie I can put on and fall asleep too. And sometimes all a girl wants is a potential apocalypse to help her drift off.
Geostorm failed because it threw a bunch of money into special effects, borrowed a script from the Syfy reject pile* (and it takes a lot to get into the Syfy reject pile), and thought if they put Gerard Butler at the helm that his charisma would carry it off. And while Butler is undeniably a scruffy, charismatic walking voice-orgasm, he’s still not enough to save this movie. However, he did his best and for that I will pretend to do a mental slow clap in appreciation. Jim Sturgess very competently played the character whose name you can’t remember as soon as he disappears off-screen.
Unfortunately, no amount of money for special effects can save the fact that Geostorm was not just ‘good’ and could not walk that fine line that makes a movie so bad it’s good. It took itself too seriously. It contained a bit too much recycled-feeling content. Even though I was viewing the movie for the first time today, it was still Disaster Film Plot-Boiler’d enough that I was mouthing lines with the actors. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one doing it, as most of the (few) people in the theatre with me were all snickering and clapping their way through Geostorm. I think we all collectively embraced the fact, early on, that this was movie meant for mocking, and settled into our happy spots.
Now, I will give Geostorm a few nods of appreciation. Very few, and mostly all having to do with the women in the film. While it was too much to hope, of course, that black women would get something other than a few lines, Zazie Beetz does her minute long appearances very well. She also plays a very intelligent, well-educated nerd with an attitude that instantly makes you like her. In short, she’s a real character instead of a freaking stereotype. Yay for Geostorm! Also, one of the females (not saying who as I don’t spoil) gets to pull off a kick-ass action Transporter-esque move that is traditionally reserved for men. And she does it perfectly.
Oh, and for the record (and this is the type of thing I don’t think you’ll care about me spoiling), there’s no boobies! Well, I mean, there are boobs, obviously, but there’s no flashed boobies jiggling in unnecessary sex scenes! Kudos to the makers of Geostorm for recognizing that we don’t need a bit of the old T and A to amp up our Near-Apocalyptic Jollies.
Also, they did avoid the required shots of the major American landmarks getting done in. So, you know, there was actually some thought that went into trying to make this movie at least a little bit different. The differences weren’t enough to save it, sadly.
And what is it with movie directors wanting to bonk Asian people on the head with large pieces of hail? C’mon, y’all. Really. They could have at least sent large chunks of hail hurtling at some other race and/or location rather than just making it feel like a blatant ripoff! Actually, several of the ‘death and destruction’ scenes were extremely recognizable to anyone who has watched a decent amount of TEOTWAKI Syfy films. A few of them were interestingly original, though. Not that I will say what, because I’m still trying to avoid spoilers for fellow Destruct-o-Film fans!
Unfortunately, a few of the things that I actually like about Geostorm I can’t talk about. This makes me sad. But there were things! I swear! Things that made me happy, considering how these types of movies usually go. So, uhm, “Stuff and Thangs”, folks. Stuff and Thangs.
I wouldn’t pay obscene movie theater prices to watch Geostorm. However, I’m not saying I would completely advise against watching it either. While there are definitely much better bad-good movies out there, this one would be good from Redbox with a six pack and some stove-popped popcorn.
* Of course they didn’t get the script from the Syfy reject pile. Or maybe they did. I’m a snarky hermit sitting my wooden cave, pretending I have opinions people want to listen to. How the hell would I know?