Captain America: Civil War Review

Captain America Civil War

Synopsis: Its enhanced team of humans against enhanced team of humans as political interference tries to limit the damage caused by superheroes with no limitations on them. It’s Captain America versus Iron Man and everyone has to pick a side. And, hey, more random superheroes shoved in!

Tagline: United we stand. Divided we fall.

Release Date: 2016-5-6 | MPAA Rating: PG-13  | Coolthulhus Earned: 3

Trailer: Captain America: Civil War



Captain America: Civil War Review


The two second version: Scar Jo still hasn’t proven she can act again, Chris Evans is, at least from the face down, a man I still love to objectify, and there were way, wayyyyy too many forced and flat jokes. Typical, safe ending that you could see coming a mile away even with basically zero familiarity with the comics. Also, this poor movie inflicts a contagious disease called Numb Butt, because it’s so unnecessarily long that it takes ten minutes after the movie ends before you regain any feeling in your arse.

Proper Review:

Deadpool would have made this movie a whole lot better. Just sayin’. Anyways, for pure dumb fun  (even if it is getting very old, very quick) Captain America: Civil War is sure to please the masses. In fact I know there are tons of people out there right now raving about how awesome the movie is. I’m not one of them. I imagine the typical reviews I’m thinking of go something like:

“Action! More Action! Inside joke! Inside joke! Oh my god, did you see the (insert obscure thing)? This is amazzzzzzzzing! Robert Downy Jr. Chris Evans! How sexy is Scarlet Johannsen? Dude, did you see what they did with that (insert minor plotline from comics)? I can’t wait to see  the next one!”

I will say: It was nice to see Elizabeth Olsen as Wanda again. She easily holds her own with the other actors, and Wanda is a character that you can’t help but root for. Her lack of dramatic speeches probably makes her appeal to me even more than she probably could.  While I don’t quite understand why Vision is still around, and really, really miss Jarvis proper, he is another character that has the potential to be interesting simply because he’s good. He’s essentially AI in a body, right? How many times does THAT go well? (Sorry, Data. You’re the odd one out.) But Vision chooses to be good and to not try to super-power his way through everything. I can appreciate that, but at the same time, some – a lot – of his actions are almost too human, so it’s easy to forget he’s essentially not, and he can blend in easily with the mass of other characters.

Speaking of mass of other characters, I don’t think I’m spoiling anything (if you’ve at least watched the trailer I linked) to say that Ant Man and Spider Man and Black Panther all make their appearances (brief though they may be) in this film. The scene between Chadwick Boseman, John Kani, and Scarlet Johannsen was one of the most interesting in the film. Kani did a fantastic job acting, and Boseman wasn’t far behind him. On a side note: Can Boseman please start doing audio books if he doesn’t already? The man has an absolutely beautiful voice. Ant Man was typical to the character but Spider Man was actually aged appropriately and acted his age and like any teenage boy would be in his situation. That was one of the better parts.

The CGI was just awesome as we’ve come to expect and the stunts keep ratcheting up. There’s a scene with a motorcycle that had people actually cheering with delight in the movie theatre. Chris Evans pulls off the tortured soul pretty well. Bucky is fairly cardboard, but then again it’s not like he’s actually a big part of the movie himself, right? He’s a walking plot device. Also, check out that movie trailer again. About 15 seconds in. Does he NOT look like a human version of Predator? I hadn’t actually seen this movie trailer before I saw the movie, so when it actually revealed on-screen, I bust out laughing in surprise. 

Okay, so I had my issues with it. These issues were mostly addressed in my review of Avengers: Age of Ultron, and they’ve only gotten worse instead of better. Whilst Captain America: Civil War did have its entertaining moments, its just another eye-candy entry into the glut of superhero movies being shoved down our throats at a rapid pace.  The only thing that makes this one any different from the other…god…ten? twenty? it feels like that many… superhero movies out in recent years is that they’re fighting each other for most of it instead of fighting some random bad guy. It’s a chance for directors to show off cool action shots and script writers to pander to comic book geeks and show off how cool they are.

Nigel M. Smith wrote an article for The Guardian Film Blog  on the (mostly) unnecessary length of comic book movies. It is SO true. Just because it can be ridiculously long doesn’t mean it should be ridiculously long. How can you tell if your movie is ridiculously long? When movie-goers complain about their butts going numb! Newsflash: 1.) It’s a comic book movie. Not a ground-breaking work of fiction or one that it is meant to make people think about some random social issue. It’s about hot men and women dressed up in tight suits kicking the crap out of bad guys and, in this case, eachother. It doesn’t need to be over 2 hours long. Christ, it’s not like you won’t be cranking another one in out in the next year or two.  2.) Quality should prevail over quantity, and even though no one in Hollywood seems to understand this right now, throwing in MORE action scenes, MORE jokes, and MORE superheroes does not automatically increase the quality of the movie.  It’s getting to the point where the movies are all blending together in people’s heads. Just staaaaaaaaaahppp. You don’t have to permanently stop, just stop for, you know, maybe four whole years? Shocking idea, I know.

Overall, Captain America: Civil War was dumb fun that provides a reason to gorge yourself on popcorn. Suppose that’s all we can ask for nowadays. Anyways, don’t pay to rent a seat for your butt to go numb in. Just buy the movie on Amazon, and experience a numb rear in the comfort of your own home.

3 Star Rated Film

Title: Captain America: Civil War | Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo | Actors: Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, etc,  | Production Cos: Marvel Entertainment, Marvel Studios, Studio Babelsberg | Release Date: 2016-5-6 | Genre(s): Action and Fantasy | Language: English | Triggers: Deaths to Bombing | MPAA Rating: PG-13 | Rating: 3 out of 5



2 thoughts on “Captain America: Civil War Review

    1. I’m not a big fan of either of them at this point. I used to enjoy Downey’s Iron Man, and Cap’s backstory made him appeal, but at this point it’s like Laurell K Hamilton’s Anita Blake Series. Used to be awesome then it started sucking.

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