Alien: Covenant Review (Sci-Fi Horror Film)

Tagline:  The path to paradise begins in hell.

Release Date: May 19th, 2017 | Runtime: 2 hrs 2 min | Coolthulhus Earned: 2 |

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Katherine Waterston, Billy Crudup

Watch the official Alien: Covenant trailer.

 

Alien: Covenant Review

Alien: Covenant is perfect for you if you want something completely predictable, mindnumbingly boring, and a complete disservice to every Alien movie that has come before it. (Yes, I’m including Prometheus here.) I went into this hoping I’d see lots of people dying, plenty of aliens, and general gritty atmosphere and fun. Well, some people died and there were plenty of aliens, but I don’t think this movie knew what it wanted to be.

Alien: Covenant rubbed me the wrong way almost immediately. It started with the “Let’s make this so clear a 5-year-old could get the point” opening scene with Michael Fassbender’s character. And then almost immediately goes to the precious little man-child crying that he just can’t get no respect because ‘he’s a man of faith’. Proof that even a hundred years into the future, people will be grouching that they’re being unfairly persecuted because of something rational people don’t give a flying fat rat’s ass about! Then the predictability started in. If you did a shots-game with every time you correctly predicted something was going to happen in Alien: Covenant, even a proud Irish woman would be done in halfway through.

Probably the worst part of the over-done and unoriginal aspect was the whole arc involving Fassbender’s character. It’s fairly well-established by now that the man’s a decent actor. And in Prometheus his character was actually semi-interesting. So why did they go the ridiculously yawn-worthy route they decided to go for this movie? Poor dude got screwed over, but, hey, probably was an easy paycheck considering it required none of his skills.

We had no one to root for. I think maybe this lack is one of the film’s major problems. Alien had Ripley. Prometheus had Elizabeth Shaw. Alien: Covenant has no one. Sure, we have the ‘ass-kicking female’, but she has no real screen-presence in this film. Katherine Waterston is a decent actress. I enjoyed watching her in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. But an ass-kicking Ripley stand-in she is not, and reminded me strongly of the character that Winona Ryder played in one of other Alien films.  The rest of the characters in Alien: Covenant are also fairly forgettable. Actually, a few hours after the movie, the only character whose name I remember is Tennessee, and that’s because it was repeated about 500 times. 

Overall, it… sucks. I could do a much more vague statement, but it just sucks. There’s no excusing it, no helping it, and no trying to cover it up. If you’re going to watch this, wait until it hits Redbox, and make sure you have a good bit of adult beverages on hand to help make it more interesting.

Additionally, I watched the original Alien movie last night. The question begs to be asked (and answered). How in the world did they go from the awesomeness of the original Alien movie to this stale, trope-filled piece of crap? Blargh.

15 thoughts on “Alien: Covenant Review (Sci-Fi Horror Film)

  1. I never pay attention to the critics ratings. I like to hear from movie fans instead. Thanks for keeping it real! I will watch this but I’ll wait until it’s free on Netflix or On Demand. And I’ll have a giant glass of Sangria handy. LOL Awesome review!

  2. That’s really an awesomely angry review! I still have to see it. And what do you think about 4/4 and 73% on RT? (I know that most probably you don’t give a f and neither do I, but I’m always curious why certain movies are rated so high by the critics).

    1. Honestly? Fanboys/girls. Like those people who rate a book 5* before they’ve even read it because they’re just so sure it’s awesome. And this is an ALIEN film by RIDLEY SCOTT, man. Us peons obvs just don’t grasp its awesomeness, that’s all. Its gotta be awesome.

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